BV-Compassion & Forgiveness

On the first Monday of each month, we’ve been practicing in turn the four brahma viharas that the Buddha taught to open the heart. Tonight, we will focus on the Divine Abode of compassion and combine it with the practice of forgiveness. Compassion entails opening to the universal nature of suffering, recognizing that all human beings suffer from wanting reality to be different than it is. We feel compassion naturally when the heart trembles in resonance with someone else’s pain and suffering.

It is from a compassionate heart that forgiveness arises. Without forgiving ourselves and others, there is no release from the sorrows of the past. As we prepare to enter a new year, practicing forgiveness can free us from carrying hatred and resentment and allow us to cultivate inner peace.

Sit comfortably with eyes closed and bring attention to your heart. Sense the warmth and energy there. Bring to mind a person you love. You may have an image or sense the presence of this loved one. Be aware of difficulties or challenges that this person has been facing, perhaps sadness, fear, loss or illness. Feel a caring connection in your heart. Repeat the following phrases silently:

I care about your pain.

May you be free from suffering.

May you find peace….

Whenever you catch your mind wandering, reconnect with the heartfelt meaning of the phrases, and continue concentrating on the recipient…. With a deep exhalation, let go of the image or sense of this beloved person. Return to the sensation of your heart with its warmth and energy.

Now reflect upon your own difficulties, losses and challenges.

Connect with how much you have struggled.

Direct similar compassion towards yourself, repeating these phrases silently:

I care about my pain.

May I be free from suffering.

May I find peace….

 With a deep exhalation, bring your attention back to the sensation of your heart with its warmth and energy. Bring to mind a neutral person, someone you do not know well— perhaps a person who passed by on a walk, who served you at a store, or who is in our virtual sangha tonight.

Recall that everyone is dealing with stress and uncertainties related to the global pandemic. With compassion for the struggles of this neutral person, repeat the phrases:

I care about your pain.

May you be free from suffering.

May you find peace.

 Exhaling deeply, bring your attention back to the sensation of your heart with its warmth and energy.

Now bring to mind a person who is difficult for you to include in your heart— someone with whom you have unresolved issues or conflicts. In this category, it helps to start with someone you find irritating—not the most challenging person.

To help your heart soften with compassion, image this person as a vulnerable baby.

Imagine holding the baby. Feel what it’s like to protect the infant from harm and to lay the baby gently down to sleep….

Then imagine that this person whom you find difficult is taking final breaths in the process of dying. Visualize yourself sitting close by and reaching out to hold hands. Feel what it’s like to say goodbye….

Now imagine or sense the presence of this person in current circumstances. Recall that everyone’s life has a measure of joy and sorrow. Repeat the following phrases silently:

I care about your pain.

May you be free from suffering.

May you find peace.

As your heart expands with compassion, you may feel open to begin practicing forgiveness for this person whom you find difficult. The practice involves asking for forgiveness and forgiving yourself for your part in the interaction. Observe how it feels to recite the following phrases silently to yourself:

For your thoughts, words or deeds, intentional or unintentional, that have harmed me, I forgive you. 

For my thoughts, words or deeds, intentional or unintentional, that have harmed you, I ask for your forgiveness.

For my thoughts, words or deeds, intentional or unintentional, that have harmed you, I forgive myself. 

Doubts and resistances are a normal part of the forgiveness process. Note them with as much compassion as possible and gently return to the phrases…

Recognizing how hard it can be to forgive ourselves, meditation teacher Sylvia Boorstein reminds us: “Whatever we’ve thought, spoken or done in the past could not have been otherwise due to the causes and conditions of the moment.” We did the best we could with the level of consciousness that we had at that time. When we react from greed, hatred or delusion, which are part of being human, there is no need for shame and guilt. With self-forgiveness, we have an opportunity to take responsibility for learning from unskillful actions, so that we don’t repeat them.

Jack Kornfield suggests using a formal meditation practice that helps develop our capacity to forgive by extending forgiveness in three directions. He himself undertook this practice hundreds of times before he could accompany his father through the process of dying:

Breathe gently into the area of your heart, sensing the barriers you’ve erected and the emotions you’ve carried because you haven’t forgiven yourself or others.

Feel the pain of keeping your heart closed.

The first direction is to forgive ourselves for hurting others.

Breathing softly, listen to the following words, noticing any images and feelings that emerge:

There are many ways that I have hurt and harmed others, that I have betrayed or abandoned them, and caused them suffering, knowingly or unknowingly, out of my pain, fear, anger, and confusion.

 Let yourself remember and visualize the ways you have hurt others.

See the pain you have caused out of your own fear and confusion.

Feel your own sorrow and regret.

Sense that finally you can release this burden and ask for forgiveness.

Take as much time as you need to picture each memory that still burdens your heart. And then as each person comes to mind, gently say:

I ask for your forgiveness.  I ask for your forgiveness….

Now let’s turn towards the second direction of self-forgiveness:

Just as I have caused suffering for others, there are many ways that I have hurt and harmed myself. 

I have betrayed or abandoned myself many times in thought, word or deed, knowingly or unknowingly.

 Feel connected with your own precious body and life.

Picture the ways you’ve hurt or harmed yourself. Remember these moments.

Feel the sorrow you have carried, and sense that you can release these burdens. Extend forgiveness for each act of harm, one by one….

Repeat these phrases to yourself:

For the ways I have hurt myself through action or inaction, out of fear, pain and confusion, I now extend a full and heartfelt forgiveness. 

I forgive myself.  I forgive myself. 

 Now let’s extend the practice in the third direction, forgiving those who have hurt or harmed us:

There are many ways I have been harmed or abandoned by others, knowingly or unknowingly, in thought, word or deed. 

All of us have been betrayed at one time or another. Picture the moments of betrayal in your life. Feel the sorrow you’ve carried from the past.

Now sense that you can release this burden of pain by gradually extending forgiveness, when your heart is ready. Listen to these words and repeat what feels right to you at this time:

I remember the ways others have hurt, wounded or harmed me, out of fear, pain, confusion, and anger. 

I have carried this pain in my heart long enough.

To the extent that I am ready, I offer you forgiveness.

To those who caused me harm,

I offer my forgiveness.

I forgive you.

It may feel comforting to place a hand over your heart. Remember that forgiveness is an ongoing process and let go of the practice for now. Breathe into the area of your heart, sensing its reservoir of compassion for yourself and others.

At your own rhythm, slowly open your eyes. Notice how your heart feels after practicing compassion and forgiveness.